I know the Devil, his name is “Anxiety”

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anxiety.

Welcome to the biggest struggle of my life. The constant battle of my own brain, my biggest enemy, and my worst nightmare. Battling with anxiety has taught me a lot, but it also kept me from a lot. It kept me from allowing happiness to completely overwhelm my soul, because it then crept up in the back of my brain of what could happen. It kept me from fully being able to trust anyone, because of the constant what if. It’s like a constant cloud halfway covering the sun. What I have learned from anxiety is learning how to be patient with everyone and understanding, because I would want the same from them.
The worst was not being able to shut it off, that’s when I knew it was more than just “something to get over” that everyone said. I can not just “get over it” would be my constant answer to every single person that tried to help. I was extremely grateful for the ones that wanted to help and listened to me over analyze and react to every situation. But what helped me? Do I still have anxiety? yes, everyday. Actually, I had it today, and now writing this because thinking of how anyone will take this. Did becoming engaged solve my anxiety? No, because it was just another topic everyone could talk about it and me being the center of it, because I am ‘so’ young, but why should that matter, why cannot I not just be fully happy for myself and for Martin? because anxiety wins..or it did.. Have I started to learn how to defeat? yes. Did anxiety medication help? somewhat, but what really helped was surrounding myself in a community that did not just tell me to “get over it” or that I was “overreacting” but the ones that listened and prayed for me, and no matter how many times I brought it up, it was another time a friend would send me a bible verse that helped that much more, that sent up a prayer that calmed me down, that just made up so many other crazy things with me that made me realize how silly I was really being. Anxiety probably won’t go away for me, but it has become less of a dictator in my life. Instead of allowing it to consume my brain, I consume my brain with the promises the Lord has given me, that in Him there is peace. Anxiety is not something I can blink and get over it, but it is something that my Father can take from me. So from now on when someone comes to you with a problem, listen, because one will never know how much someone battles their own brain and thoughts each day of their life.

xo,
hails

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