***I don’t have my laptop, so this was written via smart phone. Grace upon grace while reading this, y’all 🤷🏼♀️”
We have had quite the first six weeks with Lock this side of heaven. To say we experienced the newborn bliss is far from true and I hate to admit that. From about the second or third week of having Lock home, he went from a sweet sleeping baby to absolutely miserable. I could see the frustration in his mannerisms and tell through his eyes that if he could talk he would say “something’s not right mama”. It absolutely broke my heart and made me go mad every minute of the day. So many times I would be up crying praying to God “how on earth can I make it another day with my newborn in such frustration?”
God provides every mother with an instant maternal instinct the second that baby is born. I often get asked “how do you prepare? How do you do it?” I respond with “a whole lot of Jesus”. Lock literally never stopped crying. We would have a couple hours here and there but his awake moments were spent in misery. I went to the pediatrician 5 times in 3 weeks… I received a lot of “first time mom” comments and being told I was being paranoid. No, I was not paranoid. God kept on putting in my gut to keep figuring out the problem Lock was having. Why on earth was he crying non stop? He was fed, changed, burped, and still crying. I was going to get to the bottom of this no matter what it took.
Time and time again after going to the doctor it was something else. From reflux to “colic” (which if any doctor says that to you it is not medical diagnosis. Keep bugging them until you’re at peace that you may just have a fussy baby). If Lock just fussed for a few hours at night, that would be one thing, but he SCREAMED all day. I came to visit GA to see family and friends and on the third day I was here and Lock was only getting more frustrated, I got my mama butt on google and started researching.
Thankfully, instagram has brought me some awesome people. One of those being, Ansley Allen. I reached out to her when Lock was “diagnosed” with reflux just to get some support. After realizing my baby had waaaay different symptoms from her baby, we both agreed Lock does not have reflux. She asked me if he had been checked for a tongue or lip tie. For those whom do not know what that is, you can find an explanation here. After reading and looking at about a million websites, I was set on the fact Lock had a tongue and lip tie. The ENTIRE time he was angry, because he could not efficiently eat and his tongue was basically stuck to the bottom of his mouth. I scheduled an appointment for another opinion from an IBCLC in Atlanta. Fortunately, I was able to be seen ASAP. The moment she examined Lock’s mouth, there was no question that he needed his lip and tongue tie revised. Answers. Finally. I cried right then and there. I won’t even try to blame it on postpartum hormones. I was crying tears of relief, joy, and out of thankfulness that God kept probing this mama bear to figure out what’s wrong. I never felt selttled with any answer until then. We got an appointment to an oral surgeon the next day for his procedure. A laser quickly revised his lip and tongue and sweet baby screamed, but I knew this was the beginning to such happier days for my little babe.
Lock is still recovering and having to relearn how to properly use his tongue but the progress is there. Martin and I are in constant prayer to soften our hearts and to help me move on from the past six weeks. Realizing my baby could have had this solved within days of birth and we could’ve enjoyed the breastfeeding experience is really hard to swallow. I am still nursing but it’s a constant mental battle everyday. The stress of trying to get him to latch properly, knowing it’s going to be a fight after he eats, hearing all the gas bubbles in his belly, and still seeing him become frustrated with himself, because he doesn’t know how to use his tongue. It’s an emotional rollercoaster to say the least.
I never in my wildest dreams envisioned my first 6 weeks of motherhood to be so trying. I knew they would be hard and sleep would be seldom, but there were days I wanted to throw the towel in, y’all. Honestly, some days I did not enjoy motherhood. I would cry to my best friends out of sheer guilt because I just did not want to “mom” that day. With God’s grace and Christ’s love, I know I can forgive myself for the raw feelings I have felt these past six weeks, but I haven’t gotten there yet. I still get anxious when he wakes up to eat and pray this feeding won’t be a battle, but I know this season only lasts for so long. Our week long trip to Georgia has turned into a 2 week long trip. Ten days total away from our favorite daddy and fourteen days just spending one on one time together. God knew I needed to be “stuck” somewhere just with Lock. I had to take the time to get to know my baby, not my baby when he’s frustrated with himself.
I have fallen in love with motherhood in a new way. I love how challenging it is and at the same time, so unbelievably rewarding. I love how you really get a small taste of Christ’s love for us but also the sacrifice he did for us.
Day in and day out, as a mother you give 100% to your children, especially when they’re babies. You also receive no “thank you” or signs of appreciation. I think the best sign of appreciation I got from Lock is him having a blow out while we were on a walk and realizing I had poop on my clothes two hours after. Love it. But seriously, each day we live our lives how we want to and seldomly look to the sky in awe and just say thank you. Thank you for another day. Thank you for another breath. Christ is what keeps us alive but we choose to live for ourselves and not for His kingdom.
These six weeks have wrecked me in the best way possible. I choose everyday to be the Godly mother Christ wants me to be. When Lock chooses to stay up pretty much all night but then sleep all day, I am thankful. When he wants to fight his naps and be the life of the party, I am thankful. Christ has given Martin and I the ultimate gift. A child. We were hand picked to raise this baby boy and I pray He chooses to be independent from us and fully dependent on Christ. I never want to forget the large sacrifice He commited for us. I want to always give thanks for each day I wake up with air in my lungs and another opportunity to raise Lock and put my family first. Each day is a gift, be thankful for the worst of ones. There’s someone out there that would do a million things to live through your one bad day.
Choose to speak words sweet like a honeycomb.
Following His light,